We all dream about being that woman - at least for a night. That naughty little vixen who grabs her guy mid cocktail party for a quickie in the coat closet, who will plan a vacation around the best skinny dipping spots and who has tried all of the positions on the "guaranteed to drive him wild" list and loved them all. Even if you were that sex kitten once upon a time these days your libido may be as lifeless as a dorm room houseplant.
Rest assured you are not alone. Recent surveys show that one in three women have reported a low sexual desire - that's nearly 40million American women! While men can pop a little blue pill, us ladies can't quick-fix our low drives. For us, there is more to a low libido than just blood flow.
The good news: once you identify possible causes for your lukewarm libido you can start to look at yourself, not just physically, to home in on a solution.
Trust is the best aphrodisiac.
Guys have it pretty easy when it comes to arousal: guy gets turned on, penis takes over, brain shuts down and enjoyment ensues. We, however, do not have it quite so easily. For us to even fell the slightest bit of arousal our heads need to be in the game, and until it is, guys, you do not get to put your head in our game. Got it? Even women who show the physical signs of being turned on below the belt, if their head isn't in it they aren't going to feel very much.
For many women sex is just one more thing to think about. We are very aware that it is an important part of a relationship, however at the end of an already long day it is one more thing to occupy space in our heads, which doesn't exactly help with the "oh baby" factor. This is particularly true with women who are naturally over thinkers and/or naturally more anxious than others. To help her warm her libido up she needs to know she can trust you and you're going to be supportive and understanding of her. Just because you may be in the mood does not mean the timing is right for her. If you're in the mood and she's not either let it go, or go have a hot shower and a date with the Palmetta twins. You being in the mood while she isn't is not a free pass to pounce on her anyway. She needs to trust that you will respect her when she isn't quite in the game.
Cure it with Confidence
For many women not all low libidos are caused by anxiety. Low self esteem can be the biggest buzzkill for many women. Add to this the fact that many women approach sex from the wrong angle: we've been inundated with the notion that sex is for him and about his needs, and not our own.
We have also had it beat into our heads what sexy looks like - which is usually 5'11", big boobed, legs up to her chin and not a jiggle to be found anywhere on her body (because those boobs are fake so they don't jiggle either). We need to reprogram our way of thinking to realize that the anorexic look of the models in magazines, on our computer screens and on TV are not realistic. Why? Because most of us enjoy food on a regular basis. And because who's to say my 5'6" jiggly self isn't knock-out sexy? Sexy comes in a wide variety of packages. Embrace yours. And love yourself for who you are, right now, in this moment. You're worth it, you really are. And always remember: YOU'RE HOT!
Build it with Bondage
(not that kind of bondage....focus for a second, would ya)
Sometimes its not anxiety or hormones that cause a lady's sex drive to nosedive. Sometimes life just gets in the way, especially if life has managed to throw you a mother of a curve ball that you weren't quite able to duck out of the way from.
Most women agree sex is about connection. So when something major in your life happens, your emotions take over, walls go up it is pretty difficult to connect with your partner.
Guys, if your lady is going through a rough patch here is a tip for you: nurture her. Do not pressure her. Do not give her ultimatums. Be gentle with her for awhile. Bond with her (see, this is where the bondage part comes in). Just be OK with simply spending time with her without having to get naked or expecting a BJ from her - sometimes you do have to do nice things for her and not expect anything in return. Eventually she will make sex a priority again and will be more apt to want it. And when she does want it that thing about being gentle I mentioned just a moment ago still applies. Sex for us girls is hugely emotional, and if she has been working through some tough life stuff now is not the time for kinky, weird, acrobatic sex. Play nicely with her, she'll appreciate it.
xoxo
L
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