Let's talk about sex

I recently read an article (though don't remember where) where some 1000 women were polled about what works and what doesn't in bed.

Generally, the two main concerns among men when it comes to sex is their penises aren't big enough or they won't last long enough.

Women have their own slew of insecurities when it comes to sex. Their weight, being one, and the length of time it takes them to reach orgasm being another.

When asked independantly of eachother, men and women are more than willing to talk about sex. The next step is to get them to talk about it with eachother. Most men and women want to know if they are doing something wrong. Most men are open to guidance for their lady, so long as she does it nicely. So ladies, speak up already!

Ok, back to one of the male insecurities for a second: you think you don't long enough. Rest assured boys, that is not as big a concern for us as it is for you. Most women agree their man lasts long enough. A smaller percentage agree you usually do, but there are times when it doesn't always happen. So guys, stop worrying. You're doing just fine!

Two common complaints among women are: "he doesn't know how to touch me" and "same moves all the time". Another one heard frequently among women is "just when I'm getting into it, I tell him not to move...he moves." Ok guys, learn to touch us the way we like to be touched. Follow our lead. If we place our hand on top of yours to guide you, go with us. And when we're getting in the groove of something and we tell you not to move DON'T MOVE. Keep doing whatever it is you're doing. If we've become vocal enough to tell you not to move, believe me when I say its working. Keep going. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Keep on truckin my friend!

The most common complaint among both men and women is: we don't have sex often enough.

How do we rectify this? We make sex better. And how to we make sex better? We talk about it.

Both parties seem to be pretty open to criticism. However, when asked if they provide feedback to their partners a strong portion said they hadn't. You're both open to hearing it but neither of you are giving it. Why? Fear of hurting the other's feelings seems to be the common response. Though would it surprise you if I told you you likely won't hurt the other's feelings if you do it nicely? And would it also surprise you if I told you that most men (who received feedback) said the sex got better after? And most women said he responded better after providing feedback? Most people agree the best time to provide this feedback is in the midst of the action. No, really. If it doesn't feel right, say so. Think of it as on-the-job-training, so to speak. Though some sex therapists say its best to wait until you're out of the bedroom to discuss these things.

Now, let's talk a second about the positives.

Most men polled say they rock out the foreplay skills (and yet most women said they want more of it), 1 in 3 men say they are oral masters (again, most women said they want more oral). What are women proud of? One woman said she loved the fact she could get him excited even when he's dead tired. Over a quarter of the women said they were proud of the oral skills and a slightly lower percentage said they were proud of the flexibility when changing positions.

So, the short of the long of it is: both parties want feedback, but neither side seems to be giving it. Improving your sexlife doesn't have to be a stilted discussion. In fact it is probably best done with in-the-throes of passion encouragement, rather than just blatantly pointing out flaws. Moaning, increased urgancy and verbal enthusiasm will tell your partner what turns you on, while gentle redirection will tell them what doesn't.

Most men and women agree that to have great sex you have to have an emotional connection. Open your eyes, savor the moment. Take a deep breath, make and maintain eye contact between kisses. Be aware of every touch, every caress and be open to conveying your pleasure. The more emotionally connected you are the less guarded sex will become.

xoxo
L